• Holidays are often difficult for people who are estranged from their families.
• A formerly estranged mother and daughter spent holidays fully alone or with their chosen family.
• It took them four years to reconnect, and they struggled because friends and family “took sides.”

A few months after Lindsey Glass went no-contact with her mom in 2014, it was Thanksgiving.

Up until that point, the holiday was one they always spent together. Lindsey’s mother, Leslie, remembered them fondly.

“It was a party,” Leslie, 79, told Business Insider. They would make the traditional turkey and side dishes with their family and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. “Lindsey’s corn pudding was always a favorite,” Leslie said. They would then recreate all the same dishes for Christmas, making it feel like a two-part celebration.

That was until Lindsey decided to break ties with her mom, driven by tensions in their shared media business, Reach Out Recovery, a resource for families dealing with addition.

Suddenly, they became part of the growing number of Americans estranged from a family member. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, their estrangement still felt “very fresh,” Lindsey said.

The first year was isolating

The first Thanksgiving apart was the hardest for both the Glasses.

“It was really, really horrible,” Lindsey said. She briefly saw her dad and his then-girlfriend, but otherwise didn’t celebrate. “I couldn’t leave the cave,” she said, referring to her New York City apartment.

Leslie was invited to a friend’s Thanksgiving celebration, but never showed up. News of their estrangement spread quickly in their social circles, and she couldn’t face talking about it over dinner.

“I was so ashamed,” Leslie said. She skipped multiple party invites, sometimes losing friends in the process because of how much she withdrew.

Leslie also struggled to process the pain of losing Lindsey. “I was so upset, but I wasn’t able to cry,” she said. On some holidays and weekends, she turned on Hallmark movies. “Those movies helped me access my tears,” she said, especially the ones that involved dead parents because they reminded her of estrangement.

They hosted holidays with chosen family

Their next Thanksgiving apart was very different.

Leslie started hosting Thanksgiving and other holidays at the family home in New York, celebrating with neighbors and friends who didn’t have anywhere to go.

“Thanksgiving has been extremely important in our family, going back a couple of generations,” Leslie said. They always invited friends, often immigrants, who didn’t have family nearby.

By then, Lindsey had moved to Los Angeles, and was living a parallel life to her mom. She hosted Thanksgiving at her home with five friends from her AA group. “We were all not in touch with our families,” Lindsey said.

They didn’t have a lot of money as a group. “It was like the most lackluster Thanksgiving you’ve ever seen,” Lindsey said. “But it was fun.”

They both felt judged by other people

Leslie and Lindsey found ways to enjoy the holidays apart, be it with friends or cousins.

Still, Lindsey dreaded being asked if she was going home for the holidays; when she told people the truth, their reactions would make her uncomfortable.

“People feel sorry for you — I remember a boyfriend going, ‘But are you going to be okay? But are you going to be okay?'” Lindsey said. “While these people are always coming from a good place… not helpful.”

They also felt judged by friends and family. “People took sides, it was like a divorce,” Leslie said.

Others avoided them entirely. Some family members disinvited them both from holiday celebrations. Both Lindsey and Leslie felt deep shame, especially around holidays like Mother’s Day, which would remind them of their estrangement even more than Thanksgiving did.

The holidays brought them back together

In the end, the Glasses reconnected because they missed each other.

Even though Leslie got new Christmas decorations and invited people over, Lindsey’s absence was a void in her life. “When I lost that feeling of being connected with Lindsey, it was almost like I was lost with my connection with joy,” Leslie said.

“My mom always did wonderful holidays, so I definitely missed Christmas,” Lindsey said. Holidays especially made her nostalgic for good times with her mom.

They reconciled four years after becoming estranged. Lindsey’s brother talked to them individually and helped them reconnect.

“Our story really points to the fact that you can be deeply estranged, deeply ashamed, have all kinds of differences, and be able to find a way to come together in the end,” Leslie said.

And if reconciliation still isn’t possible (because it takes two to listen to each other and change), Lindsey said the important thing is to take care of yourself.

“Watch the favorite movie, make the favorite food, call the friend,” she said. “Do those little things.”